ARTICLE: The Realities of Living Together
So you have been planning your wedding day for the past few months. But have you given much thought on exactly what to do weeks, months or years after the big day. By then, the cliché “the honeymoon period is over” may literally apply. That will be the time to work for the marriage and it does not simply mean staying in love with each other. It takes so much more than that. Though the ‘magic’ is still there, it gets kind of hard to see with the pile of dishes waiting to be washed when both of you are dead tired after a day’s work from the office.
Let’s face it. Ours is a macho society. Though most women nowadays don’t just settle to being a housewife anymore, political correctness and gender equality seems to be out the window at the homefront when a couple decides not to hire a house help. Blame it on the stories we read in grade school and the media exposure that the local television and movies subconsciously ingrained in our impressionable minds when we were young. Even now, the one & only guy who even got close to a detergent soap in local advertisements is Mr. Clean and he’s not even washing! House chores seem to be gender-specific by default. Its like cooking, washing the dishes, cleaning the house and ironing are, by default, expected to done by the one gender group. The other is expected to, well, change the busted lights. Talk about equality!
That is why communication is the key. Talk to your partner what do you expect from him and what he expects from you once you come into this marriage. How may kids you each want to have? Will either of you be okay in case you won’t be able to bear a child? Will he be okay to pick up the hair in the bathroom drain? Will he stop being a baby if asked to take out the trash?
We’ve asked four newlywed members of the WeddingsAtWork.com community to share with us their experiences and thoughts about living together with the husbands. We gave them these four questions to answer:
Q1. What was your major adjustment when you started living together after the wedding?
Q2. What was the thing you like most/least about it?
Q3. Is there something you wish other married couples had told you beforehand?
Q4. Any tips for other newlyweds living in their new home?
Newlyweds speak
~Anne (married to Bryan)
May 14, 2006
A1. My major adjustment when I started living together with my husband was having to sleep on a hard mattress king-sized bed we purchased. I'm used to sleeping with a soft bed when I was still single so I had difficulty adjusting to that. I would get body aches and eyebags for several days.
A2. What I like most is the fact that I would wake up everyday with the man I love and we would always kiss each waking day. If I'm still asleep and he has to be work earlier than I'll do, he would kiss me while I'm sleeping. The least is waiting for my hubby to come home late in the evening when he has meetings, basketball and other extra curricular activity he have. That would mean that sometimes, I would eat alone. :(
A3. I wish someone told me to be prepared to embrace the different upbringing of my husband and his family. On the positive side, I wish someone nagged me to marry my husband much earlier!
A4. If you are living with your in-laws, don't comment on anything when it's a problem between your husband and his parents. Although the normal thing to do is to side with your husband, don't! Just be neutral. So you won't have any issues with them. If you are living separately, better! Be able to know to budget your expenditures. Talk. Open communication is always best in the married life. Pray.
~Tsinoy couple (names withheld)
married May 2006
A1. I had to the way he does things. There were more adjustment because we lived with his parents; the types of food they eat, the time they wake up or go to sleep, how they generally do things in the house and their expectation that everyone else should live like that. I had to adjust having my husband going right back to work immediately and upon coming home, having to do so many other things for the house.
A2. Being able to be with him more is the best part. The least is having to adjust to his, his family's and his household's ways of doing things.
A3. I wish someone warned me that the first few months can get excruciatingly difficult. For some, there may even be a lot of tears in having to repress your personality/freedom to make room for the other people you live with. That it's all normal and no cause for alarm. When I got married, we started fighting all the time that I wondered whether we'd made a mistake. I seriously considered annulment. And then I talked to another newlywed friend. At first we were sending feelers, 'how are you?', and we both would say “oh good!” (no one likes having his or her dirty laundry aired), until someone finally was honest enough to open up and I learned from my friend that there were times when she was crying all the time, missing the freedom she had. Not that she couldn't do what she wanted, but it’s just that she herself had to curtail her own freedom in view of how the guy's family might perceive her. And it was the same for me but to a lesser extent. After this, I felt much better about my hubby and our relationship knowing it's all normal. In fact, we weren't as bad as I thought and it stopped me from having that ‘our-marriage-is-doomed’ mentality.
A4. If family may expect you to work for them, and if you're not comfortable, then don't do it. Live and exist conscious of what they want but not to compromise yourself so much that you lose yourself and become bitter about it. Know your worth. So far, we are doing well because I stopped just giving in to all his family's demands; there's no pleasing everyone anyway. Now we are happy and it's not like things that mattered to me a lot mattered as much to them but because I've stood my ground. They've learned to make room for me. Always put God and the marriage first before anything else. Have solidarity. The moment that the couple lets anyone (a friend, a sibling or a parent) get between their relationship, there’s bound to be bad consequences for the marriage.
~Germaine (married to Jimmy)
May 20, 2006
A1. Accustomed to living comfortably and luxuriously with my parents for 25 years of my life, marriage life has definitely given me the chance to be more mature and responsible. If before everything that I earn goes to shopping, binge-eating with friends and colleagues; now, I have to also include grocery and marketing expenses as part of my monthly "splurge". Secondly, it is true that you get to learn a bit more about your husband when you start living together. Some of his old-grown habits are way different from mine so there was an adjustment period for both of us. Lastly, when I was still single, I usually go out of the house never having to think whether I have switched all the lights off or if have turned the air-condition off or simply made sure if everything was alright before I leave. Now, I double-check everything -- I go to the kitchen and make sure that the gas is turned off. I go room to room to check if all the windows are closed or make sure I have the raw meat out of the fridge to have it thawed so that it'll be ready for cooking when I get back.
A2. For me, the best thing about married life is togetherness. You dream together, do things together, quarrel sometimes, make up, quarrel again but at the end of the day, you have this sense of contentment in your heart knowing that the two of you will carry on and will get through anything in life braver, better and definitely wiser.
A4. My advice for all newly weds living in their new home is to simply enjoy everything that'll come your way. There will be new discoveries and unexpected things but at the end of the day, you'll just laugh to yourself and realize how 2 seemingly different people can live together in one roof. Be extra patient and understanding towards each other, after all, married life is bliss!
~Kat (married to John)
January 28, 2006
A1. So far, there have been no major issues. But we've had differences regarding (1) his taking too long preparing for the office (I'm ready to go, but he's still dressing up. OC kasi siya), (2) our schedule and division of chores with regards to cleaning house and (3) my tendency to overstock on food and other household items.
We adjusted with these issues in this manner: (1) He tried to speed up his routine on weekdays so we'll make it on time for work, and I start working while waiting for him so that I won't get impatient; (2) We discussed our schedule on weekends and divided our chores equitably (we had to consider our skills, and our quirks--i.e, he can't stand the smell of trash; he's better at sweeping the floor); and (3) I've learned to buy just what we need until the next grocery schedule, and just a teeny-weeny bit more; just in case another typhoon happens (hirap talagang magbago).
A2. What I like most about being married is that I'm spending each day with someone who brings so much happiness in my life. Even staying at home is a lot of fun because John is so much fun to be with, and his laid-back attitude is the perfect compliment to my worrywart ways.
What I like least? Well, it's unavoidable that we approach some things differently. I like doing things on or ahead of schedule. He's often just right on time, or half of the time, late. Most of the time, I am able to let it pass; but sometimes I get really irritated at his kabagalan. I think with regards to my being makulit, he usually just lets it pass, but there are times when it just gets to him. Then after a short argument/discussion of our "complaints" against each other, we go back to being patient with each other again. I just have to live with the fact that we will both have to go through these cycles over and over again. But it's not major, it's something we talk about when we're both level-headed, it's something we both try to improve on. But we both realize that each of us has quirks that the other has to learn to live with because while it may diminish, it's not going to go away completely.
Ang hirap din pala ng may asawa because I have to be responsible all the time. I cannot just be lazy on weekends because we need to cook food, clean the house, buy groceries, etc. Kung magiging tamad kami, we suffer the consequences of having little time to do all our chores. This is not to say, though, that we are rigid about our schedules. The fun part about being newlyweds is that it's so easy to make adjustments in our schedules since it is mostly just the two of us. But we can no longer be lazy for a whole day.
A3. I wish someone told me that marriage has so many administrative aspects. During the first couple of months, I found myself using up my weekends on chores! I have since adjusted and am now able to relax with John during weekends.
A4. Don't sweat the small stuff. Do your chores but don't get caught up in them. Do your chores together, or divide chores equitably. It helps to clean up regularly to avoid stubborn dirt. Develop a schedule for chores so you don't forget anything. Leave time for fun and relaxation. Be very patient with your spouse because you're still learning how it is to live together everyday, how it is to be a spouse and/or parent. Pray. Enjoy your newlywed status because it happens only once. Be adventurous! Have fun!
Responses from the not so newlyweds
~Mys (married to Pedz)
April 23, 2005
A1. I had to learn how to live with a man in the house. I was raised by my mom who’s a single parent. It was different to finally have a man in the house.
A2. I like the way I get to kiss my husband anytime I want. The least I like about living together is waking up and learning that I'm cold because he monopolized the blanket.
A3. I wish someone told me how I could keep my breath fresh when I sleep until I wake up. Now, what I do is try to get up earlier than he does and race to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
A4. Create a list of tasks that needs to be done like laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Both of you should choose which tasks you like doing then try to create a schedule that makes you do what chore you enjoy. You can exchange tasks or create coupons to make it more fun. You can write something like: "I'll wash dishes for you today in exchange for 10 hugs".
~Lisa (married to Mike)
December 30, 2004
A1. Since we started living together on our own after we got married, our concerns pertain to managing our finances and managing the household. We have been closely monitoring our expenses. Extra money now goes to savings instead of impulse buys and retail therapy. Extra money is also less now that we're paying for our first home. Priorities have changed. Managing the household used to be my mom's task. Now that I am married, it has become mine.
Menu planning is a fun task. Now I get to choose what we have to eat everyday. It sometimes get hard though especially when you don't know the difference between tinola and nilagang manok. Managing the househelp is also a challenge. You don't want to be too strict and too lenient. It's hard to balance the two. Can she make friends with the neighbors' househelp? How much TV time is ok? These are things that I didn't have to worry about before I got married. A lot of the time, I still call my mom for advice.
A2. What I like most: The "freedom". My husband and I can eat whatever we like, whenever we like. And we can come and go whenever we like without worrying about letting the parents know. The thing I least like is when reality sinks in -- paying the bills, managing and resolving domestic issues, etc. We learn a lot from these.
A3. No one teaches us how to manage our finances as a couple. Finance subjects in school are mostly for business. Personal finances – you learn to manage on your own, sometimes the hard way! But managing finances as a couple is difficult. It's something that's hard to learn and maybe even impossible to learn before you get married. This has been one of our biggest challenges.
We have different approaches in handling money. Fortunately, it has not been a major cause of disagreement. But there have been some fights about it. I recommend the book Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach and Pwede Na! The Complete Pinoy Guide to Personal Finance by Efren Cruz. These have helped us organize our finances a bit. Though we're far from getting there, I believe that we are on the right track.
A4. If you don't have kids yet, take this time to learn whatever you can from and about each other. Everyday brings new discoveries. Take it one step at a time. If you're still renting and would eventually like to have a home of your own, save whatever you can. Set goals that fit the timeline.
If your goal is to be able to buy a house in say, 5 years, make it a realistic goal to help you manage your expectations. Planning to buy your DREAM house in 5 years might not be realistic for most. Take baby steps. You will get there eventually.
~Greys (married to Joel)
July 19, 2003
A1. Build our new house - He is an architect and I do not have an ounce of art in my nerves. It was long for the 2 of us to arrive at an agreed design.
The pressure of living near relatives – I think most of our fights boil down in trying to meet the expectations of my relatives.
Putting your act together as partners – Being married is definitely a team work with you. It’s never tested until you live together. Issues about home, work, household helps, house repairs, having a baby will come up.
A2. I like that we are growing together. We tend to adjust to the situation and to our characters. What I like the least is our house maintenance -- I do not know how to do and my husband tends to brush off.
A3. None. People have different characters, just what I hear in the ratio station - Finding a match is like combining 2 chemicals; others may ‘explode’ while others will compliment each other. Each couple are exposed to different scenarios.
A4. All you need to have is a good faith in the Lord. Always remember your wedding vows.
Let’s face it. Ours is a macho society. Though most women nowadays don’t just settle to being a housewife anymore, political correctness and gender equality seems to be out the window at the homefront when a couple decides not to hire a house help. Blame it on the stories we read in grade school and the media exposure that the local television and movies subconsciously ingrained in our impressionable minds when we were young. Even now, the one & only guy who even got close to a detergent soap in local advertisements is Mr. Clean and he’s not even washing! House chores seem to be gender-specific by default. Its like cooking, washing the dishes, cleaning the house and ironing are, by default, expected to done by the one gender group. The other is expected to, well, change the busted lights. Talk about equality!
That is why communication is the key. Talk to your partner what do you expect from him and what he expects from you once you come into this marriage. How may kids you each want to have? Will either of you be okay in case you won’t be able to bear a child? Will he be okay to pick up the hair in the bathroom drain? Will he stop being a baby if asked to take out the trash?
We’ve asked four newlywed members of the WeddingsAtWork.com community to share with us their experiences and thoughts about living together with the husbands. We gave them these four questions to answer:
Q1. What was your major adjustment when you started living together after the wedding?
Q2. What was the thing you like most/least about it?
Q3. Is there something you wish other married couples had told you beforehand?
Q4. Any tips for other newlyweds living in their new home?
Newlyweds speak
~Anne (married to Bryan)
May 14, 2006
A1. My major adjustment when I started living together with my husband was having to sleep on a hard mattress king-sized bed we purchased. I'm used to sleeping with a soft bed when I was still single so I had difficulty adjusting to that. I would get body aches and eyebags for several days.
A2. What I like most is the fact that I would wake up everyday with the man I love and we would always kiss each waking day. If I'm still asleep and he has to be work earlier than I'll do, he would kiss me while I'm sleeping. The least is waiting for my hubby to come home late in the evening when he has meetings, basketball and other extra curricular activity he have. That would mean that sometimes, I would eat alone. :(
A3. I wish someone told me to be prepared to embrace the different upbringing of my husband and his family. On the positive side, I wish someone nagged me to marry my husband much earlier!
A4. If you are living with your in-laws, don't comment on anything when it's a problem between your husband and his parents. Although the normal thing to do is to side with your husband, don't! Just be neutral. So you won't have any issues with them. If you are living separately, better! Be able to know to budget your expenditures. Talk. Open communication is always best in the married life. Pray.
~Tsinoy couple (names withheld)
married May 2006
A1. I had to the way he does things. There were more adjustment because we lived with his parents; the types of food they eat, the time they wake up or go to sleep, how they generally do things in the house and their expectation that everyone else should live like that. I had to adjust having my husband going right back to work immediately and upon coming home, having to do so many other things for the house.
A2. Being able to be with him more is the best part. The least is having to adjust to his, his family's and his household's ways of doing things.
A3. I wish someone warned me that the first few months can get excruciatingly difficult. For some, there may even be a lot of tears in having to repress your personality/freedom to make room for the other people you live with. That it's all normal and no cause for alarm. When I got married, we started fighting all the time that I wondered whether we'd made a mistake. I seriously considered annulment. And then I talked to another newlywed friend. At first we were sending feelers, 'how are you?', and we both would say “oh good!” (no one likes having his or her dirty laundry aired), until someone finally was honest enough to open up and I learned from my friend that there were times when she was crying all the time, missing the freedom she had. Not that she couldn't do what she wanted, but it’s just that she herself had to curtail her own freedom in view of how the guy's family might perceive her. And it was the same for me but to a lesser extent. After this, I felt much better about my hubby and our relationship knowing it's all normal. In fact, we weren't as bad as I thought and it stopped me from having that ‘our-marriage-is-doomed’ mentality.
A4. If family may expect you to work for them, and if you're not comfortable, then don't do it. Live and exist conscious of what they want but not to compromise yourself so much that you lose yourself and become bitter about it. Know your worth. So far, we are doing well because I stopped just giving in to all his family's demands; there's no pleasing everyone anyway. Now we are happy and it's not like things that mattered to me a lot mattered as much to them but because I've stood my ground. They've learned to make room for me. Always put God and the marriage first before anything else. Have solidarity. The moment that the couple lets anyone (a friend, a sibling or a parent) get between their relationship, there’s bound to be bad consequences for the marriage.
~Germaine (married to Jimmy)
May 20, 2006
A1. Accustomed to living comfortably and luxuriously with my parents for 25 years of my life, marriage life has definitely given me the chance to be more mature and responsible. If before everything that I earn goes to shopping, binge-eating with friends and colleagues; now, I have to also include grocery and marketing expenses as part of my monthly "splurge". Secondly, it is true that you get to learn a bit more about your husband when you start living together. Some of his old-grown habits are way different from mine so there was an adjustment period for both of us. Lastly, when I was still single, I usually go out of the house never having to think whether I have switched all the lights off or if have turned the air-condition off or simply made sure if everything was alright before I leave. Now, I double-check everything -- I go to the kitchen and make sure that the gas is turned off. I go room to room to check if all the windows are closed or make sure I have the raw meat out of the fridge to have it thawed so that it'll be ready for cooking when I get back.
A2. For me, the best thing about married life is togetherness. You dream together, do things together, quarrel sometimes, make up, quarrel again but at the end of the day, you have this sense of contentment in your heart knowing that the two of you will carry on and will get through anything in life braver, better and definitely wiser.
A4. My advice for all newly weds living in their new home is to simply enjoy everything that'll come your way. There will be new discoveries and unexpected things but at the end of the day, you'll just laugh to yourself and realize how 2 seemingly different people can live together in one roof. Be extra patient and understanding towards each other, after all, married life is bliss!
~Kat (married to John)
January 28, 2006
A1. So far, there have been no major issues. But we've had differences regarding (1) his taking too long preparing for the office (I'm ready to go, but he's still dressing up. OC kasi siya), (2) our schedule and division of chores with regards to cleaning house and (3) my tendency to overstock on food and other household items.
We adjusted with these issues in this manner: (1) He tried to speed up his routine on weekdays so we'll make it on time for work, and I start working while waiting for him so that I won't get impatient; (2) We discussed our schedule on weekends and divided our chores equitably (we had to consider our skills, and our quirks--i.e, he can't stand the smell of trash; he's better at sweeping the floor); and (3) I've learned to buy just what we need until the next grocery schedule, and just a teeny-weeny bit more; just in case another typhoon happens (hirap talagang magbago).
A2. What I like most about being married is that I'm spending each day with someone who brings so much happiness in my life. Even staying at home is a lot of fun because John is so much fun to be with, and his laid-back attitude is the perfect compliment to my worrywart ways.
What I like least? Well, it's unavoidable that we approach some things differently. I like doing things on or ahead of schedule. He's often just right on time, or half of the time, late. Most of the time, I am able to let it pass; but sometimes I get really irritated at his kabagalan. I think with regards to my being makulit, he usually just lets it pass, but there are times when it just gets to him. Then after a short argument/discussion of our "complaints" against each other, we go back to being patient with each other again. I just have to live with the fact that we will both have to go through these cycles over and over again. But it's not major, it's something we talk about when we're both level-headed, it's something we both try to improve on. But we both realize that each of us has quirks that the other has to learn to live with because while it may diminish, it's not going to go away completely.
Ang hirap din pala ng may asawa because I have to be responsible all the time. I cannot just be lazy on weekends because we need to cook food, clean the house, buy groceries, etc. Kung magiging tamad kami, we suffer the consequences of having little time to do all our chores. This is not to say, though, that we are rigid about our schedules. The fun part about being newlyweds is that it's so easy to make adjustments in our schedules since it is mostly just the two of us. But we can no longer be lazy for a whole day.
A3. I wish someone told me that marriage has so many administrative aspects. During the first couple of months, I found myself using up my weekends on chores! I have since adjusted and am now able to relax with John during weekends.
A4. Don't sweat the small stuff. Do your chores but don't get caught up in them. Do your chores together, or divide chores equitably. It helps to clean up regularly to avoid stubborn dirt. Develop a schedule for chores so you don't forget anything. Leave time for fun and relaxation. Be very patient with your spouse because you're still learning how it is to live together everyday, how it is to be a spouse and/or parent. Pray. Enjoy your newlywed status because it happens only once. Be adventurous! Have fun!
Responses from the not so newlyweds
~Mys (married to Pedz)
April 23, 2005
A1. I had to learn how to live with a man in the house. I was raised by my mom who’s a single parent. It was different to finally have a man in the house.
A2. I like the way I get to kiss my husband anytime I want. The least I like about living together is waking up and learning that I'm cold because he monopolized the blanket.
A3. I wish someone told me how I could keep my breath fresh when I sleep until I wake up. Now, what I do is try to get up earlier than he does and race to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
A4. Create a list of tasks that needs to be done like laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Both of you should choose which tasks you like doing then try to create a schedule that makes you do what chore you enjoy. You can exchange tasks or create coupons to make it more fun. You can write something like: "I'll wash dishes for you today in exchange for 10 hugs".
~Lisa (married to Mike)
December 30, 2004
A1. Since we started living together on our own after we got married, our concerns pertain to managing our finances and managing the household. We have been closely monitoring our expenses. Extra money now goes to savings instead of impulse buys and retail therapy. Extra money is also less now that we're paying for our first home. Priorities have changed. Managing the household used to be my mom's task. Now that I am married, it has become mine.
Menu planning is a fun task. Now I get to choose what we have to eat everyday. It sometimes get hard though especially when you don't know the difference between tinola and nilagang manok. Managing the househelp is also a challenge. You don't want to be too strict and too lenient. It's hard to balance the two. Can she make friends with the neighbors' househelp? How much TV time is ok? These are things that I didn't have to worry about before I got married. A lot of the time, I still call my mom for advice.
A2. What I like most: The "freedom". My husband and I can eat whatever we like, whenever we like. And we can come and go whenever we like without worrying about letting the parents know. The thing I least like is when reality sinks in -- paying the bills, managing and resolving domestic issues, etc. We learn a lot from these.
A3. No one teaches us how to manage our finances as a couple. Finance subjects in school are mostly for business. Personal finances – you learn to manage on your own, sometimes the hard way! But managing finances as a couple is difficult. It's something that's hard to learn and maybe even impossible to learn before you get married. This has been one of our biggest challenges.
We have different approaches in handling money. Fortunately, it has not been a major cause of disagreement. But there have been some fights about it. I recommend the book Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach and Pwede Na! The Complete Pinoy Guide to Personal Finance by Efren Cruz. These have helped us organize our finances a bit. Though we're far from getting there, I believe that we are on the right track.
A4. If you don't have kids yet, take this time to learn whatever you can from and about each other. Everyday brings new discoveries. Take it one step at a time. If you're still renting and would eventually like to have a home of your own, save whatever you can. Set goals that fit the timeline.
If your goal is to be able to buy a house in say, 5 years, make it a realistic goal to help you manage your expectations. Planning to buy your DREAM house in 5 years might not be realistic for most. Take baby steps. You will get there eventually.
~Greys (married to Joel)
July 19, 2003
A1. Build our new house - He is an architect and I do not have an ounce of art in my nerves. It was long for the 2 of us to arrive at an agreed design.
The pressure of living near relatives – I think most of our fights boil down in trying to meet the expectations of my relatives.
Putting your act together as partners – Being married is definitely a team work with you. It’s never tested until you live together. Issues about home, work, household helps, house repairs, having a baby will come up.
A2. I like that we are growing together. We tend to adjust to the situation and to our characters. What I like the least is our house maintenance -- I do not know how to do and my husband tends to brush off.
A3. None. People have different characters, just what I hear in the ratio station - Finding a match is like combining 2 chemicals; others may ‘explode’ while others will compliment each other. Each couple are exposed to different scenarios.
A4. All you need to have is a good faith in the Lord. Always remember your wedding vows.
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